WISDOM from the AGED
Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes, come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller!
Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet!
The day the world runs out of wine
is just too terrible to contemplate!
I don't trip over things,
I do random gravity checks!
I don't need anger management. I just need people to stop pissing me off!
Old age is coming at a really bad time!
When I was a child I thought Nap Time was a punishment; now, as a grown up, it just feels like a small vacation!
The biggest lie I tell myself is ... "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."
Lord grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and, the friends to post my bail when I finally snap!
I don't have gray hair. I have "wisdom highlights." As you can see,
I'm incredibly wise.
I smile because you are my brother-in-law, and laugh because you married my sister!
My people skills are just fine. It's only my tolerance for imbeciles that needs work.
You’d better teach your daughter how to shoot, because after all a restraining order
is just a piece of paper.
If God wanted me to touch my toes,
He would've put them on my knees.
The kids text me "plz,"
because it's shorter than please.
I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes."
I like my middle finger best,
because it always sticks up for me!
I'm going to retire and live off of my savings.
Not sure what I'll do for money
the following week.
When did it change from "we the people"
to "screw the people"?
I've lost my mind, and I'm pretty
sure the government took it!
Even duct tape can't fix stupid, but
it sure can help muffle the sound!
Why do I have to press “one” for English when you're just going to transfer me to someone
who can't speak English anyway?
Lord, give me patience
and let me have it NOW.
Of course I talk to myself. After all,
there are times when I need expert advice.
WHOOPS! Did I just roll
my eyes out loud?
At my age "getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering why I went there.
Chocolate comes from cocoa.
That’s a tree, isn’t it?
That means it’s a plant, so
that must must chocolate is a salad.