[NOTE: This is said to be a PERSONAL AD placed on CRAIG'S LIST. Frankly, we don’t care whether it’s strictly true or not, though we hope it is. The scenario outlined demonstrates a point of view we’d like to see applauded and implemented more often.]
To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me
in Downtown Savannah
night before last.
Date: 2011-11-27, 1:43 am. E.S.T.
I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.
First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket.. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.. my girlfriend was happy that I just returned safely from my 2nd tour as a Combat Marine in Afghanistan.
She had just bought me that Kimber Custom Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had just picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening.
Obviously you would agree that it is very intimidating when pointed at your head, wouldn’t you?
I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that load in your pants. I'm sure it must have been even worse walking barefoot since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me.
That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help attack us again, didn’t it?
After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode to her of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station –– on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 153 gallons and could not have been more grateful.
I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet.
[That sure made his day!]
I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" parked at the curb –– after I broke the windshield and side window then keyed the entire driver's side of the car.
Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target.
The FBI guy seemed really intense, and we had a nice long chat, while he traced your number, etc.
Perhaps I should apologize for not killing you, but I feel this type of retribution is far more appropriate for you tried to do to my girl and me.
I wish you well as you try to sort through some of the pressing issues you’ve brought on yourself, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to follow. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky. Have a nice day!
Thoughtfully yours,
Alex